When I Grow Up...

When I was little, I wanted to be a mommy when I grew up. It was natural for me. As the oldest of three girls, I would care for the two younger siblings. I had many children that I babysat and was responsible for. I even became a squad mama in band - Forgot your black socks? No problem! I've got an extra pair in my locker. Need a button sewn on or your hem tacked up? No problem.

I never in a million years thought that I would be diagnosed with PCOS 3 short months into my marriage. Here we are, almost 3 years later and still biologically childless. Last month gave us a glimmer of hope and a faint plus sign, only to come crashing down around us a few weeks later.

However, on July 25, 2009, I became a mommy. We opened our hearts and our home to a sweet baby girl. I can't imagine life without her. Just this past weekend, I asked Aaron how we ever lived in such an empty house. Her smiles and giggles and songs make my empty womb hurt a little less each day. Though I do not believe our family to be complete, we're well on our way.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.I have learned to appreciate life.Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

-Unknown

Happiness is...

When I was in high school, I was an avid theater junkie. One of my favorite shows that I participated in was You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown. We sang a song about Happiness and I even had the old Peanut's Happiness is a Warm Puppy book when I was little (Wish I knew what happened to that book, I'd love to pass it down someday).

Today, happiness is reconnecting with my husband. It's been stressful around our humble abode, with A working overtime for tax season (salaried overtime is no fun), insurance not covering ultrasounds/medication for PCOS, adoption, etc. I pray that this will all work out in the end.

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